Caution: This post contains large amounts of caffeine (and a bit of swearing).
Not too long ago, Kristy Colley and I were chatting about writing. (We’re cool.) She was trying to add something to her story Sinnersand asked for a writing prompt. This is how the story of the giraffes first began…
Kristy: i need to refocus on sinners
Kristy: tell me something i should include
Kristy: QUICK
Kristy: NO TIME TO THINK!!!!
Kristy: NOW
Kristy: NOW
Jen: llamas
Kristy: NOW!
Jen: ahhhh
Kristy: oh HELL yeah
Kristy: llamas
Jen: can’t think fact
Jen: or fast
Jen: whichever
Kristy: haha
Kristy: ok llamas…
Kristy: how very challenging
Jen: spitting llamas
Kristy: can they be super-sized?
Jen: and they make a game of spitting
Kristy: like the size of semi trucks?
Jen: like llama darts
Jen: but with spit
Kristy: i like that
Jen: i thought you might
Kristy: how can i fit that into sinners
Jen: and they’re purple
Kristy: hmmm
Kristy: purple?
Jen: purple spitting giant sized llamas
Kristy: so they have spunk
Jen: yes purple
Kristy: well this is certainly NEW
Jen: some like to show their personality so they dye their tails different colors
Jen: but they can’t dye it themselves because they don’t have thumbs
Jen: so they pay the chimps to do it
Jen: and the chimps are skeezy
Jen: yes thats a word
Jen: and sometimes the chimps overcharge
Jen: but the llamas love their personality
Jen: so they pay it
Jen: and the chimps collect their bounty and splurge on peanuts
Kristy: so they’re Capital llamas
Jen: why peanuts adn not bananas you ask?
Jen: because the chimps like to tease the elephants
Jen: “haha i have peanuts and you don’t you large blue fuckers”
Kristy: omg you are SO caffeinated!
Kristy: so the elephants are blue?
Jen: i was wondering when you would stop me
Kristy: i’m spurring you on! blue ELEPHANTS?? OMG MUST KNOW MORE!
Kristy: lolz
Jen: Well the elephants are blue but that’s only because they’re sad they don’t have peanuts
Jen: so they take out their frustrations on the giraffes
Jen: which let’s face it giraffes are assholes anyway
Jen: so they probably deserve it
Jen: you know who else are assholes on the safari?
Jen: because i’ve obviously jumped continents and we’re no longer just chillin in the peruvian mountains anymore
Jen: hippos
Jen: they’re assholes
Jen: And not just because they eat rafts with tourists and shit on crocodiles
Jen: its because they’re fucking gluttonous jerks
Jen: ever see a hippo mom share her food?
Jen: a sweet tender moment like you see with mama birds regurgitating food for their little’uns?
Jen: awwwww
Jen: birds
Jen: cute
Jen: hippo moms are like F U ur fat enuff hur hur my fucking grassss
Kristy: lol
Jen: go chase a cheetah fatty
Kristy: where are you getting this?
Jen: my brain?
Jen: lol
Kristy: so you’re saying that hippos and elephants are pissed but for different reasons?
Kristy: and they respond differently a
Kristy: and we should blame it on the giraffes?
Jen: well, the giraffes are just nosey little fuckers
Jen: i mean, HOW do you think I know this?
Jen: giraffes, they hang out in dark alleys and sell secrets to people
Kristy: LOL
Kristy: omg!
Kristy: i really loled that one LOUD
Jen: you see dumbo over there? yea, well i heard papa dumbo isn’t his daddy
Kristy: echoed through the ENTIRE office
Jen: lol
Kristy: oh man, that was good
Kristy: sell secrets
Kristy: can you actual visualize a giraffe in a dark alley?
Kristy: that really got me
Jen: you CAN’T?!?!
Jen: they’ll do anything for a buck
Jen: sometimes they wear trenchcoats and sell watches
Jen: but they can’t hide very well
Jen: not only because they’re necks are unnecessarily HUGE (used for that noseyness)
Jen: but because they’re bright flippin yellow
Jen: i mean, MY EYES GIRAFFE
Jen: THINK OF MY EYES
Jen: THINK OF MY CHILDREN’S EYES
Jen: don’t you stalk around in the dark alley like you think you’re hiding
Jen: we see you giraffe
Kristy: we see you
I want to apologize for the above madness, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s just too darn funny.