Like many, I haven’t yet gone through that magical phase that is, “growing up.” I hear it’s wonderful, but I just can’t get on board. Grown ups wear pants all day and change out of pajamas before noon. They don’t cry when they lose a game of Mario Kart because Wario is a cheating bastard. I also hear they wash all of their own laundry, but I can’t find any proof of this.
The thing is, I have a kid now and technically I’m responsible for him. I’ve been trying to “grow” for his sake, so it isn’t like the blind leading the blind-and-unable-to-walk, but it’s hard.
Like this whole, “not swearing” thing. On Twitter I try to be more professional than the walking bag of swear words I am in real life, but sometimes, dammit is the very best word for the situation. And really, there just isn’t a non-swear word equivalent of fuck. But I use that one more sparingly.
See? Growth.
But it isn’t the swear words that make people in public say to their spouses, “Honey, do you still have CPS on speed dial?”
It’s the things that fall out of my mouth without thinking.
A few examples:
- “If you pee on me ONE MORE TIME, your orange dinosaur gets it.”
- “Hey, where’d your balls go?”
- “Go ahead and lick the outlet. See what happens. *waits* Hurts, don’t it?”
- “STOP CHEWING ON THE DOG.”
- “No, you cannot play with that box of tampons. Too bad. You’re just going to have to cry about it.”
- “Harry Potter is to be played with gently. This isn’t a trashy afternoon soap opera, you know.”
- “Ew. What is that smell? IS THAT YOU? Get out of my car. Get out.”
- “If you don’t go to sleep RIGHT NOW, I’m putting you in the closet.”
- “Why are you eating ALL OF MY DIRT? That stuff’s not cheap. I have buy it at Lowe’s like everyone else.”
- “You have flushed the toilet 87 times. Has it lost it’s novelty yet or are you just flaunting the fact that we have running water?”
Of course, all of these could be also be directed at my husband. Sometimes he needs to be put in the corner and reminded who’s boss.
Do you have kids or an unruly husband? Or maybe even a pet? What are some of the funny things you say to them?